


Building Blocks

by undercovercarisi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Established Relationship, Kidfic, M/M, Marriage, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rafael is still ADA, Sonny has a service animal, Sonny suffers from PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-10-20 06:44:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17617469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undercovercarisi/pseuds/undercovercarisi
Summary: When Sonny imagined his life, he had never imagined this. Two years ago he had left the NYPD. He had retired early after a final meeting with the NYPD’s psychiatrist. After a long talk and a firm diagnosis, Sonny realized it might be best to return to his life with his husband.-Rafael and Sonny Barba-Carisi experience life together as a married couple with their ups and downs.





	1. Chapter 1

When Sonny imagined his life, he had never imagined this. Two years ago he had left the NYPD. He had retired early after a final meeting with the NYPD’s psychiatrist. After a long talk and a firm diagnosis, Sonny realized it might be best to return to his life with his husband. Sleepless nights and memories dragged the man down but Sonny knew this was the best option. 

Sonny Carisi was diagnosed with PTSD. The psychiatrist promised that it was normal for officers who had seen what he had. He had recounted story after story. He was in a rut that caused his mind to run rampant with terrible thoughts. He feared that he might snap. He took his time and worked up the courage to put in his two weeks notice. Sonny Carisi had gone from NYPD detective to stay at home husband. His husband was an ADA with a promise. Sonny felt safe now. His lonely days were occupied with their new dog, a golden retriever named Pepper. Rafael slowly returned to work after making sure Sonny adjusted well towards his new medications and thoughts.

Life went on. Sonny was comfortable living in their lavish apartment. He spent his days hanging out with his service dog. He often popped into Rafael’s office for dinner at the desk or lunch out at a little sandwich shop. He often spent time with his husband when he could. 

 

The shrieking cry of a baby broke the silence of the apartment. Rafael slept on while Sonny jerked awake. Six months ago, they had welcomed their little bundle of joy into their home. It was a long discussion almost a year ago that had led to their search for a surrogate. Now they had their first and only child, Margaret Barba-Carisi. Sonny was a stay at home father while Rafael worked as an ADA in Manhattan.

“Rafi,” Sonny mumbled, shoving his husband a little more, “Are you awake?” 

Rafael groaned, not awake enough to rush to handle the baby. Sonny rolled over, looking at the blinking clock. 4:33 am stared back at him in red blocky letters. He knew in an hour, Rafael would be rolling out of bed for work. He didn’t want to wake his husband. Behind the clock, a baby monitor sat on the windowsill. The baby monitor was turned up and Sonny could see the baby laying there sobbing. He slowly got out of bed, glancing down by the door. His service dog, Pepper, laid beside their bedroom door. She lifted her head, staring at Sonny with tired eyes.

Sonny padded down the hallway with socked feet. Pepper lifted herself from the dog bed, following Sonny with a slow pace. She sat in the doorway, watching Sonny with Margaret.

“Hi Maggie,” Sonny greeted softly, lifting her from the bed, “I’m here sweetheart.”

Sonny cradled the baby against his chest. Her cheek smashed against the Harvard t-shirt that he was wearing. He wore an oversized Harvard shirt with Fordham sweatpants. He was a walking college advertisement at this point. He rocked back and forth gently with the baby, her sobs quieting. He traced warm fingers up and down her little back. Her striped pajamas hung loose around her body.

“Did the noises scare you?” Sonny suggested to the quiet baby, walking over to look out the window.

They lived in the city of Manhattan, close to the precinct. It worked for when Sonny and Rafael were both working. Now it was just for Rafael’s commute. Sometimes in the central part of the city, the cars were loud or people would be on the street yelling. Sonny had taken a while to get used to it. He closed his eyes, rocking the baby gently.

“They scare me too sometimes. I get nightmares too.. Usually papi talks me down from them.” Sonny spoke softly.

His voice soothed the baby. Maggie sniffled, closing her eyes again. She allowed herself to be rocked by Sonny without much complaint. Sonny held her delicately. She was his world. He wanted to protect her forever. Everything about Maggie brought him to feel safe. She made him calm. Sonny settled in the rocking chair with her against his chest.

Maggie looked so much like Rafael, Sonny loved everything about that. She had Rafael's tanned skin and big green eyes. Her laughter and smiles struck him though. His husband always seemed to grump around or act pouty. Sonny pressed a small kiss against her forehead. He rocked back and forth, listening to her soft snores against his chest.

Sonny loved every second of hanging out with Maggie. He didn’t mind leaving his job to be a stay at home parent. It saved money on day care and helped form a bond that Sonny couldn’t even describe. He was in love from the moment he laid eyes on her. Sonny whispered soft lullabies into her hair. He rocked back and forth slowly. Pepper moved from the doorway to lay down at the foot of the rocking chair.

“My sweet little Maggie,” Sonny whispered, “You are loved. Your Papi and I love you more than we can ever tell you.”

 

In their room, Rafael laid awake. He stayed settled against the pillows around his head. He could hear Sonny’s soft Staten Island accent floating through the weak speakers. He watched through half lidded eyes on the screen. The little baby camera was set up on the edge of the crib to overlook the bed. Sonny had bought it after a week of having Margaret. He was so worried that they might not see something. A fond sleepy smile hung on his lips as he listened to the voice. 

Rafael was no stranger to PTSD and the way it took a toll on his husband. Sonny had woke to too many terrors to count. He had been quieted for days at a time. Sonny’s therapy had flooded into their life day after day. Rafael had heard the story.

“I’ve had a gun to my head. I’ve watched kids die. I’ve seen families fall apart. I’ve watched strangers cry for strangers. I’ve strained my life to help others. I can’t save the world.” Sonny had cried after his first therapy session.

 

In the nursery, Sonny laid Maggie back down in her crib. She settled silently against the mattress. Sonny pressed a kiss to her forehead. He smiled weakly at the baby. Pepper moved from her spot under the rocking chair to press against his legs. He leaned down to pat her head gently. He left the bedroom, pulling the door to be cracked. He walked into his bedroom. Pepper weaved around his legs before settling in her navy blue dog bed. Sonny sat on the edge of the bed. He laid back down, staring at the ceiling. He took a deep breath. He shivered as Rafael’s warm arm wrapped around his waist. His fingers danced under his shirt, rubbing his skin.

“You’re a good daddy mi amor.” Rafael whispered against the stack of pillows.

“I love you Rafi. I love you and Maggie so much.” Sonny whispered to the ceiling, his eyes burning holes against the white.

“We love you too. More than you could ever know.” Rafael pressed a kiss to the shirt clad shoulder. “I’m proud of you Sonny.”

It wasn’t long before Rafael was asleep. Sonny laid awake, breathing in time with Rafael. He felt relaxed. He felt alive. He rubbed his fingers along the curve of Rafael’s arm. Sonny was in love. He was safe. He was no defined by the hand that was dealt to him.

 

The morning reminded Sonny how thankful he was for this family. He trudged into the kitchen where Rafael stood making pancakes. Margaret’s high chair was pulled over by the counter so she could watch. Fruit was laid out on the tray for her. Sonny ruffled the baby’s hair as he made a move for the coffee. He snatched a strawberry from the plate of fresh fruit. Sonny pressed a kiss to his husband’s cheek. It was one of the rare dates that Rafael was home with Sonny.

“Good morning Mr. ADA,” Sonny greeted softly.

“Good morning, mi sol.” Rafael leaned in for another kiss.

Sonny was thankful for this world he had created with his husband. He knew that there was nothing he wanted more than to be here forever.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Maggie in tow, Sonny struggled down the steps with the stroller in his other arm. He cursed silently under his breath, struggling with a baby carrier, stroller, and the impatient dog around his wrist. It became a hassle to leave the apartment when he was alone. Usually, with Rafael, one of them could handle dog while the other handled the baby. Sonny tried to arrange the stroller before settling Maggie in it.   
> “Alright Maggie, let’s go see Grandma.” Sonny said softly, speaking quietly to the stroller.  
> He settled her blanket over her, tucking it around her gently. The spring air nipped lightly at Sonny’s exposed skin. He started down the road, Pepper walking close to his side and the stroller. Sonny tried to block out the rest of the world, focused on Maggie and the path to Lucia’s apartment.

With Maggie in tow, Sonny struggled down the steps with the stroller in his other arm. He cursed silently under his breath, struggling with a baby carrier, stroller, and the impatient dog around his wrist. It became a hassle to leave the apartment when he was alone. Usually, with Rafael, one of them could handle dog while the other handled the baby. Sonny tried to arrange the stroller before settling Maggie in it.   
“Alright Maggie, let’s go see Grandma.” Sonny said softly, speaking quietly to the stroller.  
He settled her blanket over her, tucking it around her gently. The spring air nipped lightly at Sonny’s exposed skin. He started down the road, Pepper walking close to his side and the stroller. Sonny tried to block out the rest of the world, focused on Maggie and the path to Lucia’s apartment.   
Once a month, Lucia would scoop up Maggie and watch her while Sonny made the trekk for therapy. He felt a wave of relief as Lucia met him at the front door. She gave a warm smile, welcoming Sonny with a hug.   
“Sonny,” His name sounded like a breath of fresh air, “How are you? How is the baby?”  
She let go of him, pulling down the blanket enough to see the chubby faced baby. Maggie blinked at Lucia with big tired eyes. Sonny moved aside to allow her to pick Maggie from the stroller.  
For so long after she was born, Sonny barely would let the baby out of his sight. For the first month, Sonny slept in the rocking chair. Rafael had pulled his husband from the room finally after a month of sleeping alone. He had reminded Sonny that nothing would happen. Now, Sonny could accept the help he was offered. Some days he needed it more than others.   
Sonny took the chance to break down the stroller. He folded it carefully before resting it against the stone building. He took the chance to pull a dog treat from his pocket and hand it off to Pepper. Lucia cradled Maggie against her chest. Sonny checked his watch.   
“I have to get going now for therapy. I’ll let you know when I’m on my way back. Rafael will probably be here before I get back.”

After their quick goodbyes, Sonny was in a cab going to his therapist office. Luckily, Rafael spared no expense to get Sonny into a therapist. It was a fancy office downtown where Sonny sat among wealthy strangers. He always felt out of place among the strangers. He often spent his days in the office in warm sweaters and jeans. He liked to be relaxed. He sat anxiously in the chair, his leg bouncing next to Pepper. His fingers twisted his wedding ring on his left hand.  
Pepper laid her head against his leg, trying to calm her anxious owner. The two of them set in anxious silence. The nervous ticks of Sonny were her cues to take care of him. Pepper was a dedicated service dog. Sonny was lucky enough for that.  
Sonny was pulled from his thoughts as a woman came out with a light smile, “Mr. Carisi?”

Leaving the office of his therapist had been a relief. Sonny started to breathe again in the spring air. He settled in the back of a slightly too warm taxi. While Rafael had decided that ubers were the new craze, Sonny settled into the comfort of taxis. The taxi pulled up to the apartment building. He paid the driver before hurrying out and up the steps. The halls of the big building were relatively quiet. Sonny was prepared to see his husband and baby. He stopped outside Lucia’s apartment, taking a deep breath. He knocked gently.  
The door swung open, revealing Rafael in his work suits. He gave Sonny a tired smile, the same smile that Sonny had fallen for so long ago. Sonny let go of Pepper, allowing her to bolt into the apartment to scope it out. Sonny wrapped his arms around Rafael. The feeling of his sweater felt unusual against the soft feeling of Rafael’s suits.  
“How was your appointment?” Rafael pressed a kiss to Sonny’s head.  
“The usual. She asked me when I wanted to return to work. I told her I didn’t think I’d return to svu. She kept saying that I didn’t have to return there..” Sonny shrugged.  
Rafael guided Sonny into the house with a firm hand. Lucia was in the kitchen with the soft sound of music playing through the air. Maggie laid in an automatic rocking bouncer. She was occupied with the hanging toys above her head.  
“When did you get here?” Sonny asked softly, nudging off his battered sneakers.  
Sonny outside of the precinct, Sonny was soft around the edges. He wasn’t particularly sharp around the edges before but outside of work, he was softer. Rafael was the same way. The two of them came together in a soft life.   
“Only twenty minutes ago.” Rafael muttered, “She’s in there making dinner. As soon as I got here, she was going on and on about how skinny you were looking.”  
Sonny removed himself from Rafael and went to grab Maggie. He scooped her up into his arms, rubbing her warm back. He pressed soft kisses to her cheeks. In the months following his diagnosis and having Maggie come into their lives, he had gotten attached to the baby. He spent his day and night fretting over her. Lately he had been relearning the process of hanging out with actual adults and giving himself the chance to see his old friends. 

Dinner with the Barbas was something Sonny never got used to. Sonny loved the family more than anything. He sat at the table with Lucia and Rafael. He placed Maggie on his thigh, handling the bottle with practiced ease. He felt like the world was on his side now. He glanced up at the Barbas, giving them both a warm smile. The apartment was full of love. Sonny felt like his life was always full of love now. He was improving with the help of his family- his in-laws and his immediate family.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was days like this that Sonny had to remember that adult interaction was good for him. Leaving SVU had seemed to be cutting ties to the adult world. He now spoke in primarily baby language and soft words of endearment for his husband. He had found comfort in a home with his dog and a grossly domestic routine. So tonight, he was breaking out of that routine.
> 
> Rafael sat on the stool at the kitchen island, watching as Sonny briefed her over taking care of Maggie. He leaned his head against his fist, watching his husband speak with his hands towards the older woman. Their babysitter was one of the neighbors that Sonny had actually trusted with watching Maggie. Rafael checked his watch before getting up, grabbing Sonny’s arm.

It was days like this that Sonny had to remember that adult interaction was good for him. Leaving SVU had seemed to be cutting ties to the adult world. He now spoke in primarily baby language and soft words of endearment for his husband. He had found comfort in a home with his dog and a grossly domestic routine. So tonight, he was breaking out of that routine.

Rafael sat on the stool at the kitchen island, watching as Sonny briefed her over taking care of Maggie. He leaned his head against his fist, watching his husband speak with his hands towards the older woman. Their babysitter was one of the neighbors that Sonny had actually trusted with watching Maggie. Rafael checked his watch before getting up, grabbing Sonny’s arm.

“Mi amor, we need to go,” Rafael cut into the conversation, “We’re going to be late.”

“Alright, Just one second-” Sonny side-eyed his husband, “My service dog, Pepper, will be wandering around. She mostly hangs around Maggie.”

Sonny went into another spiel. Rafael huffed softly, gathering both their coats from the rack near the door. He wandered back over, holding Sonny’s coat open. While talking, Sonny slipped his arms in and pulled his coat back over himself. He glanced at Rafael, understanding the urgency.

“I’ll have my phone on me all night! Give me a call if anything goes wrong. Thank you again Mrs. Winfield.”  Sonny announced, being pulled out the door by Rafael.

New York was alive with all the excitement of a friday night. The taxi weaved through the streets with practiced ease. Sonny gripped at Rafael’s hand tightly, rubbing his finger across the skin between his finger and thumb. Rafael lifted their hands, pressing a kiss to the back of Sonny’s hand.

“If you start getting nervous, let me know. We will leave immediately. I know how you feel when you don’t have Pepper with you.” Rafael whispered into the backseat of the cab.

“I’ll be fine Rafael. I haven’t had a bad episode in awhile-” Sonny reminded softly.

The last time Sonny had experienced a total shutdown was when he had been in the supermarket right after Maggie was born. He had been wandering through the canned food aisles with Maggie on the front of the cart. Pepper had been hovering closely to the two of them while Rafael rattled off items of the list. Sonny had been reaching for a can when a sales associate had dropped a box full of cans. The sound of scraping metal and a shout had sent Sonny reeling. He hadn’t even processed anything until Rafael’s voice was sliding through the fog of memories to remind him where he was. Sonny had hid for days after, worried that he had embarrassed the two of them. He was ashamed, worried that he couldn’t show his face there again.

Tonight was different. Sonny was going to be with old friends. He was going to have a few drinks, share pictures of his kid, and talk loudly about everything he had been doing since he left the NYPD. The cab pulled up to the front of the restaurant. Rafael took it upon himself to pay the fare before pulling Sonny through the front doors of the restaurant. Sonny scanned the room, glancing around for anything that stuck out.    
The restaurant was an upscale one on the nicer part of town. Sonny had heard great reviews about the restaurant when he had looked into it. It was glossed over with beautiful chandeliers and specifically placed tables. The hostess directed the couple to a round booth where Olivia, Amanda, and Fin sat already talking. Sonny smiled as they approached the table.

“Sonny!” Amanda greeted first, sliding out of the booth. 

Sonny greeted her with a warm hug, feeling relief flood through his body.

When he had been diagnosed with PTSD, Sonny had worried what his life would be like without the NYPD. He had been worried what his friends would think when he had taken his leave. It had started with a few weeks off that had turned into early retirement. Sonny had handled it quietly before speaking to Amanda and Fin about it. They had been understanding- some might even say proud of Sonny for taking care of himself like that.

Rafael moved into the booth first, allowing Sonny to take the edge of the booth to soothe his anxieties. Rafael’s hand rested on Sonny’s knee, grounding him to the leather of the booth. Conversation started to bubble again between them. It wasn’t long before Sonny was producing his phone to show off pictures of Maggie.

“She’s truly beautiful Carisi,” Olivia piped in, “You have to bring her around sometime. I think Noah and Jessie would adore her.”

“It’s nice to have her around, y’know? I was mostly home alone before, but having her around is nice.” Sonny smiled proudly, “She’s a blessing.”

Rafael smiled fondly, sipping his scotch. He had cut back significantly drinking since Maggie had been brought around. Instead of having a drink after a hard case, he found himself sitting in Maggie’s room. He found comfort in his husband. He found comfort in new things. Domestic things. Rafael glanced around the table.

Their night bubbled together with energetic conversations. They managed to avoid work, instead discussing children and Fin’s grandchild. Amanda spread stories about a new man she was seeing. Olivia chatted with Rafael about a new vacation spot she had found if they could ever get away. Sonny felt back at home. He had missed actual adults.

The dinner dwindled to an end. They all paid their bills before slipping out into the chilled air. Sonny said his goodbyes, giving Olivia and Amanda a quick hug before shaking Fin’s hand. Amanda lingered for a second, glancing at Sonny.

“Are you going to come back to work anytime soon? Or are you done for good?” Amanda asked, buttoning her jacket up.

Sonny glanced at Rafael, who was preoccupied with a conversation with Liv, “I don’t think so. Sometimes I wonder if Rafael wants me to. But I feel good being home. I don’t want Maggie to have two parents who work too much.”

“That’s understandable. You’re doing good Sonny,” Amanda clapped him on the back, “but call sometime! We should do a playdate sometime.”

 

The idea of working weighed on Sonny’s mind most of the ride home. He had gotten home, slipping past Rafael to check on Maggie. She was fast asleep on her stomach in bed. Sonny pressed a kiss to her forehead before wandering into their bedroom. Rafael was already stripping out of his suit. Sonny hesitated for a second, his eyes scraping across tanned skin. Rafael turned to look at Sonny.

“You still like what you see? Even after all these years?” Rafael joked softly.

“I will always love how you look. You look perfect to me after all these years.” Sonny tossed over his shoulder as he dug through their drawers.

“You know how to charm a man.” Rafael teased, pulling Sonny close by the belt loops on his pants.

Rafael and Sonny pressed their foreheads together, staring at each other with a look filled of love. Sonny didn’t think he’d ever get tired of looking at his husband like that.

“I’m proud of you Sonny. You’re getting better. You’re so strong my sunshine.”

Sunshine had been coined not long after Sonny started therapy. Rafael had started whispering that Sonny had been his sunshine before everything. Rafael had whispered the words of you are my sunshine into Sonny’s skin through panic attacks and teary nights. Rafael pressed a kiss to Sonny’s nose, smiling at him. Sonny closed his eyes, enjoying this moment.

“Let’s get to bed Rafi,” Sonny finally breathed, the weight of the day hanging around his shoulders.


End file.
